Three Cheers for Marriage

The news today that the New Hampshire State Senate passed a bill legalizing gay marriage -- after plenty of hints that this esteemed body would do otherwise -- brought an incredible smile to my face and warm feeling to my heart.

I support marriage.  It's one of the hardest things anyone can undertake.  Any legislation which welcomes more people to this awesome responsibility and joy has my support.

(On a purely political note, I'm thrilled that New Hampshire State Senator Deb Reynolds reversed her earlier position, and voted this afternoon in favor of the gay marriage bill.)

The only apparent impediment to the bill's final adoption lies with the governor of New Hampshire, John Lynch, who has said he supports "traditional marriage."

In his lexicon, Governor Lynch says "traditional marriage" means "between a man and a woman."

Really?

I thought traditional marriage was something much harder and complex than simply a guy and a gal getting together.  I also support "traditional marriage," but I thought it was something like this: fidelity in good times and bad.  Sickness and health.  I thought marriage was akin to embarking a forever journey, the likes of which will demand more and give more than either person could possibly imagine at its start.

I should know.  I failed at marriage the first time I tried.  I got married almost immediately after graduating from college, and fell almost immediately on my face in light of its responsibilities.  I was simply not ready and within about a year, the marriage was over.

Fast forward nearly twenty-five years later, and a slightly different picture emerges.  Elizabeth and I will have been married for 18 years this June.  We have three incredible children.  We've owned three different homes, and shared an uncountable number of experiences together -- good, bad, sad, and happy.

I don't pretend to know the secrets of what makes marriage work, but the practice we've fallen is pretty simple:  we get married everyday.  Sure, we had a great and wonderful wedding.  But the most important thing I've found is to wake-up each day and get married again.  Day by day, week by week, we get stronger and resilient and better at this really demanding institution.

Many years ago, my mother passed this gem to me about marriage: it's much easier to stay single.  Marriage asks for more.  It asks for what is not given easily.  As time progresses, as our bodies age, as bad habits become entrenched, as the grass looks greener (always) somewhere else, marriage can seem as attractive as an evening spent flossing one's teeth.

There isn't a married person out there who hasn't wondered, I suppose, is this all there is? 

What happened to the sweet wedding cake, the fancy dress, and party invitations? 

Long after the wedding music has ended and guests leave, marriage rears its head and asks us to consider something far more complex, rich, and mysterious.  

And yet there are these moments, too, with marriage that defy simple explanation and exceed any other joy we might know.  The quiet cusp of two hands in the middle in the night.  A shared knowing look as children talk and laugh and sing.  That feeling, suddenly, that the person you married 1,001 years ago is hot, again.

I believe traditional marriage means embracing all of the contradictions and simple pleasures that come with commitment.  I believe it means supporting fewer out-of-wedlock births.  I believe it means supporting community-based and faith-based programs that help married people, young and old, navigate this journey.  I believe traditional marriage means having to say sometimes that you're sorry, sometimes that you're not sorry, and that always that you love, cherish, and remain faithful to the one you married.  

Traditional marriage is about embracing an instituion that welcomes the complex union of two strong individuals.  And while no piece of legislation can describe such a complex arc completely, I believe these so-called gay marriage bills do much more than extend this right to the rest of us.  In fact, I think the real genius of these bills lies in the subtle way they remind us of this complex journey. 

Do you want to get married?  Really?

If so, welcome to the club.

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